1. |
Make More Plans
03:14
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48 degrees felt just like summer April ‘14. It was the first warm day I’d seen since I moved to Gordon Square. And as I ran along the water, I was calm and pure and honest. It was fleeting, but I felt it. Fighting back a few years’ worth of stringing it together. I called Bulger, I called Josh and I left messages for both. Cooking dinner, writing postcards, smiling like a dog in water. We invent the days that we don’t wanna lose. The days I saved for you. Climbing out a self-dug hole of seasonal depression. Shedding layers, shedding skin, talking shit with childhood friends. Tracking footprints on the carpet, tracing lines across the country. The only plan has always been to make more plans. Days I saved for you, painted gold and blue. Chasing light and sound. Never coming down.
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2. |
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We talk a lot about chemicals and how we’re both so easily affected. Hearts like humming amplifiers with the gain turned up. I examine your kitchen. You read me poems in the living room. You asked me what the light symbolized. I said, “It could be the truth, or really anything.” You don’t get to decide how somebody feels about you, but you can spin it a little bit. Maybe the purest motive is to say, “I just want what I want. I haven’t given it too much thought yet. I just want what I want.” We talk a lot about solitude and how easy it is to feel alone here. Ask me if I still like all the same bands that I used to. Well, of course I do. Now I’m a train passenger, powerless. Steady shaking off the sugar and the sleeplessness. Lips numb with the knowledge that I laid it out the best I could. You don’t get to pretend that you spent less time than you did waiting on a windfall. Does it all have to be so heavy? Baby, I just want what I want. I haven’t given it too much thought yet. I just want what I want. There is a heat rising off every word. Voices resounding sound like nothing I’ve ever heard. I will no longer bite my tongue for getting good at being young. We talk a lot about distance and where we’d be if it weren’t for where we were now.
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3. |
Days I Saved For You...
00:39
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4. |
Fingers Crossed
04:23
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She said, “I’ve been saving all my money. I could buy a car and drive to you. I got all this cash, and I’m looking to spend it. I got all this love. I don’t know what to do. I could span the state of Pennsylvania. I could be there when you need me to be. Every bone in my body’s telling me that you’re worth it. What is the worth you see in me? Is this what you do to all the others? Just roll into town and have your fun? Do you disappear when shit gets heavy? Do you even let them know you’re done?” There is power in the union of open hearts and tangled veins. And attraction only breeds confusion, cause when the bodies part, the want remains. So while you slide back to what’s familiar, I’ll be scratching at the door of what’s to come. Yeah, wait, I’m patiently awake and filled with longing. Fingers crossed, won’t come undone. And oh, I know how we both get weary. And oh, I know how you love getting lost. But I catch fire whenever you’re near me. Whatever the damage, I’ll cover the cost.
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5. |
Go To Shows Alone
02:58
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I’m dusting off the lenses so I can focus on the last year in real-time. Logic’s in the left brain but I wrestle with my right side all night, and it’s warmer than it should be outside. Would you have the same problems in a new place? Are you resolute enough to shed your dead weight? And when asked for a direction, leave the form blank, slide out with a smile and a “no, thanks,” and find another flaw on which to fixate. But this is what you wanted, isn’t it? I still keep a list taped to my wall. It’ll take the paint with it when I peel it off. And I think it’s comparable to how we all carry the colors from all our former lovers as we move on. So do with all your time what you will. Take a running start or stay here at a standstill. And I know there are certain kinds of people who don’t do what they gotta do to get well. But you can still go to shows alone. You can leave when you want to. This is not the only place. All my problems, frozen in midair. I didn’t notice they were gone, I just kept moving and they stayed there. Constant motion, forever unprepared to accept my good luck for once.
Don’t fight it.
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6. |
...Painted Gold And Blue
00:35
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7. |
Summer Pressure
03:06
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Left your apartment high on the subway back to the upper west side with a smile to split a hole in your borrowed skyline. You say it feels like you live here now, that comfort comes if you just wait it out, and I’d wait with you if I could find the time. But I won’t give in to the summer pressure. All awkward angles here, mixed with coffee, sweat and unfinished beer. I’m an ill-fitting frame and you’re a masterpiece. Oh, I talk so much shit, like, “everything you’re feeling right now is legitimate.” And I wince at the playback: “That doesn’t sound like me.” But I won’t give in to the summer pressure. No, don’t you give in now. Just wait it out. Yeah, I’ll be patient, but I’m waiting, and I won’t give in to the summer pressure.
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8. |
New Ways For Old Days
04:19
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Count down the days, dear, until I fall into place here. I will be upstairs until then, looking for new ways to process those old days. Gift wraps and papers. I wish that I could stay here. Call off the search on me now. You know where I’ll be found. Darling, just look down. I knew I’d find you here. In a first-floor apartment on the near west side with the traffic ringing clear across the bridge into your room. Yeah, I know you had to go but I didn’t think it’d be so soon. Late summer rainstorms. We would hide out and stay warm. I was so safe in September with you. I know I’m supposed to, but how do I get through? These days, I’m making distant connections without any real direction, but you just made so much sense of it all. Darling, I’d still call but you just let me fall. I knew I’d find you here. In a first-floor apartment on the near west side with the traffic ringing clear across the bridge into your room. Yeah, I know you had to go but I didn’t think it’d be so soon.
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9. |
Give Off A Glow
04:07
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I’m kicking the clothes that line my bedroom floor and stretching the ties that bind me here. I’m shaking the dust off September so far. A mental health day that spans a year. I scribble down false prophecies, cardinal sins and deadbeat dreams. You give off a glow now. I know you’re looking out for me. Stellar and spaced out. It’s the only way that I know how to be. I’m calling old friends to make sure they’re real and taking the lines from my favorite songs. If good artists borrow but the great ones steal, have I been doing this all wrong? I illustrate my indolence. A past that prowls in the present tense. You give off a glow now. I know you’re looking out for me. Stellar and spaced out. It’s the only way that I know how to be. A soft-edged light. A slender frame. Apparitions whisper my name.
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10. |
On My First Night Away
02:20
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On my first night away, I honestly thought I’d have much more to say than the same old selfish refrain that I’ve been repeating since I learned my name. And what do I have to do but soldier on and prove to you that a life can be lived in spite of the ghosts that rent rooms in my brain every night? And I’ll throw them out, but they make their way back the next day with the looming doubt I’ll be fine on my first night away.
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Meridian Cleveland, Ohio
Jake, Max, Steve, Tim and Rozco. five nice midwesterners that play tunes for you.
currently spread across Cleveland, Pittsburgh and Philadelphia. occasionally reconvening to make music, drink whiskey and play pinball.
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